What do you feel when all your peers are advancing where you stay put on where you are? Clueless? Fear? Depressed? or feel like dying? Is the combination of all of them. Trust me. I am in it.I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.
Everyone around me knows what to do next where I have no idea what to do or what i want to do. Been scratching my brains out to figure out, but remains the same. Got an offer, which gave me hope. That the very second i thought, finally, this is my plan and my advancement.Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. I had used up all my courage to make this decision. But, it does not turn out the way i want it to be. Peers kept asking me whether I am ok, and i told them i am fine.It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right. But, I definitely not okay at all. I had repeating myself for like dozen times that i am cool till the extent myself start to convinced. The feelings were like swap over by a blizzard storm. Even worst, avalanche come next. Every single thing went haywire. Car, friends, money and plans.
I am too coward to make changes and decisions. So now why i ended up staying in the same point. You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever. You shouldn't regret anything that you say, because it was what you were feeling at the very moment.
Sometimes we just have to learn. All this while, the efforts that I put, regardless of where and what had went straight to the bin. I treated everyone with my soul. Cause, i believe that i have to be nice to everyone when i am on the way up, because i will need them if i slipped down. But what if they dont care at all? They even took you as granted?.Sometimes we know we shouldn't and thats exactly why we do. But, i am tired of entertaining everyone but not myself. Smile and laugh to everyone but I am not happy. Ironic isn't it. People say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actor too. Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actor too. I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.
Finding ways to make myself feel better, but ended up fall sick. Pathetic right? But, i will not stop trying. Yes, the past can hurt but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it.You only live once, so do everything twice.
Half of life is fucking up the other half is dealing with it. I am learning to deal with everything. Emotions, friends, career and more.I have to learn how to juggle between miserable and depression. Start to love myself more. Listen to what myself want instead of what others want. Take me or fuck off.
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