DesMenism

This post is nothing related to the title. So stop asking me whether am i promoting myself or try to label myself with funny names.

I wonder how people could just shut off their emotions and feelings that easy, like a snap. I am a real sentimental person and rich with emotions. Is not in my control whether i could choose to feel or not. Isnt that human instincts to feel? What is wrong with this people.

Speaking of which, emotions. I d been laughing real hard recently. Someone told me to stop faking and putting a smile, i am not really happy. Sent me goosebumps, how on earth does he knows that? I told him i am fine, but he insisted that i am not. Despites my numerous repetitions saying that i am really alright, he still gave me that talk. Is starting to creep me out.

Anyways, back to me. Pleasing someone is not my traits. I am born without it. Yeah, i did it sometimes cause I care. But, eventually i will get bored and will not give a single fxxx anymore. Why? Dont as me why. I was created this way. NO.IDEA.

Today is pretty gloom. Here's a spoiler of day, "Put up and emo face the whole effing day".

The End. With hatred

Pretty straightforward. I had a nightmare which is pretty vivid. But, till the time i was out of my bed pieces of the dream went missing. I will endeavour in keeping everything subtle. I was in my old house, the real nightmare one. So a lady which was my colleague with her car at the front yard of the house. The gate was locked and it was pitch dark. No porch lights and even the streetlights went off. She plead, asking me free her from someone. She been held captive. I went in the car and urged her to drive out. Suddenly, the door flung open. Dragging her out from the car. I climbed over kicked him real hard at the chest and shutted the door. I manuever back to the passenger seat and attempted to lock the door. Unfortunately, he made it first. I had a real clear image of his face, it was my friend's husband. Without hesistating, i pushed him away and shut the door. I shouted to my friend " Drive!". Miraculously, the front gate unlocked and swung wide open. We sped out from the house and touched the highway in no time. When i looked at my friend, i realized it was my mom all this while. The guy who looks like my friend's husband was actually my dad. The dream was my real nightmare. We were trying to escape from my dad, the misery and the real nightmare.Although my late dad is not around anymore, but all the nightmares will haunt me till the day i die.

I had a discussion with my friend. Ranting about English. People nowadays could not even speak proper English. Okay, fine. I know my english is not that excel but even I could not understand how far could you go? You as a trainer, and you yourself could not even pronounce a word correctly how could you expect others to understand. Sometimes, you dont have to throw all the jargons out and exaggerated vocabularies to please everyone or bragged around how good your english are. The key here is, YOU YOURSELF HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. Make it simple and nice will do. I contemplated last night. Cause i dont understand why is this happening. I will advise you to speak more, flip through some novels or newspaper. It might help a little. Thats how i got my english back to track. At least in competent level. Maybe you could write fantastically, when it comes to verbal you failed. How could you present yourself when you needed to? When you started to speak, you go stuttered. How impress could that be?

So back to the incident. First of all, this post is not trying to project any contempt. Just my very own thoughts. Ok,  I went to this training which conducted by a not-so-good-english speaker. Once again, I am not a perfect english speaker too, but just in a competent level.  So, all of us filled in the training room, some standing and some took a seat. Me and my colleagues were standing with our back facing the wall. At the second where the conductor started to speak i shocked. I shot a wild look at my colleague and mouthed "You understand?". Amusingly, she shooked her head. I had three options. One, ask questions. But not even the leads looks doubtful, yet again who am i to ask? Second, I will just keep quiet and hence leads to ZERO input. Third, I proudly walked out from the room while 20 people with 20 pairs of eyes shooting glares at me. At the end, i chose the SECOND. It means that, i learnt nothing. Yes, nothing. I was trying real hard to focus, at end i failed, uglily. So,i gave up.

When my TL (not in the training) asked me what have you learnt? I said,Grammars and pronounciations? It came out meaner than what it supposed to be. I am sorry okay, cause i was born to be mean and sarcastic.

I apologize for being a jerk. But is my reflex action okay? Will be back real soon.

This is way out of the line. Resume my deserted blog after a round fat year. I'd been reading my past post recently and it reminds me the awesome feelings when you could keep everything subtle effortlessly. So, from time to time I will try my really best to allocate sometime for this. At least a portal or a way out for me to note down the up and downs of my life.

So, how do you guys feel like growing up? For me, i used to perceive it as "the older you get, the fewer things you can laugh at". Trust me. Is not effing happening. Cause, I laughed like an asthma-attacked donkey. With tears. No joke, you could ask around. Recently, I met a pretty awesome friend which makes me look like a clown. I basically burst into laughters and almost peed in my pants. Doubts? Below is a scrap of the conversation. I am not going to put names afraid he might throttle me. No pun intended.

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Me: I need to pee and I saw you texting someone.

Him:  Her, on occassions

Me: Who is her? Your mom

Him: XXX la, bastard

Me: Texting your mom is not a sin

Him: I havent ask her for the talk

Me: Who? Mom?

Him: YA, MY MOM. HAPPY NOW?

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His frustration nearly killed me cause it was down right funny. Having an awesome buddy at work is nice. You have someone till kill time with.

So, guess what? I dated and broke up again. 3 bloody months and we ended, period. We did loved each other, at least i do. Someone told me that girls are undecisive. But the broke up, she literally left me no options. Sent a long winded texts, with a conclusion " Lets be friends" . Everytime, every single time it is always a one way communication. You speak, I listen. In a relationship or any ship, mutual conversation is vital. Went on and making lame excuses about families and etc. Ranting about "Your family should not do this, but this". Fine, no point dwelling in this. Cause, i had moved on. I hope you find someone you really likes and with the traits that you favour. We did not work, doesnt mean you are not a nice girl. Perhaps we just could not click as what people thought? Anyways, thank you for giving me such an experience cause i will never forget. I dont repent cause i did nothing wrong and i have no remorse cause i knew i enjoyed that moment.

Before i go, i am going to do this again. LOL.